today I saw a dog running along the pavement, all by itself. There was nobody else around and it seemed to have real purpose in its run so I like to think it was out fighting crime or helping orphans, like Benji.
Anyway, it made me smile. Until I had visions of it being flattened by a lorry or spraypainted by some naughty schoolchildren.
There's not really much point to this thread, so I'll vainly try to give it one... marzipan? It's horrid, isn't it?
Oh and like, money! Relationships! Curse you modern life.
There's a dog around my way that only walks sideways
a bit like a crab
i like mazipan
whenever i have it, which is about once a year. i never have any desire to have it any other time though.
maybe i don't really like it?
this one time, when i lived in palmer's green and worked in holborn and used to get buses home via finsbury park, i saw a small dog sprint across Seven Sisters Road, dodging between cars, and into Finsbury Park. it, too, seemed to have real purpose. maybe it's the same dog?
Maybe it was a suicidal dog
Its purpose was to find a car to flatten it.
LOL
http://images.google.com/images?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=IRFA,IRFA:2006-41,IRFA:en&q=dog%20in%20sunglasses&oe=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi
Did
it look like the sort of dog that could talk?
Hope you beat City in the replay, we can get our revenge on Mark Crossley then...
I was going to stop it
and get down to it's level to try and converse but I thought, 'what if someone is trapped down a hole?' my idle chit-chat could lose them valuable seconds.
I hope we turn City over too. A trip to Hillsborough could be on the cards.
Count me in :)
My nana has a pitbull
called Harley, he only has 3 legs but he can still catch rabbits.
Three-legged rabbits?
aren't they illegal?
he can't
catch rabbits. that's ridiculous. my dog (see picture) is seriously fast and a natural hunter but he can't catch up with a rabbit.
marzipan is horrid, yes
me and my sister fondly reminisced about Woof! the other day CLASSIC TV
I read that whole book
in one night when I was seven.
My best mate
is good friends with the headmaster in Woof! He came down the pub with us once.
I like those marzipan fruits
whats the brown sticky herby thing they push into the apple?
a clove?
Ah yes!
Is it unusual to have a craving to eat playdoh. It's blue and it smells nice too.
Not once you've tried it.
It doesn't taste as good as it looks/feels.
It does.
It tastes salty. I love salt.
I've just eaten some
it's nice, I like it.
I used to
have a huge crush on Thomas Aldwinckle who played Roy, Eric's best mate in the first couple of seasons of Woof! I had all the books, sigh.
I love dogs and love the fact you started this thread
On the beach in Koh Samui I saw a dog digging... digging hard as though it's life depended on it. It flicked sand out from between his back legs which landed in drips and drabs on one man in particular who was sunbathing (in speedos, no less - another story). A crowd of people stood around this dog and I was on my usual sunset walk, ipod on, feet moving through shallow water. I walked up to the man in speedos and asked, 'What is the dog looking for?' and he replied, 'We are still waiting to find out.'
This dog did not stop digging. It was hilarious. I think it was natural instinct kicking in or something.
I love dogs. I LOVE THEM!
that's actually hilarious.
! heh!
I actually had private giggle value for the rest of my beach walk
which was about 1.5 hours. Truth.
When I was on on Koh Samui
the least convincing transexual I have ever seen grabbed my crotch and asked if I wanted some sex.
I politely declined.
and i asked really politely too
^timing
:D
Haha
they're funny. I would love to have a boxer dog, they're very boisterous. My mum's friend had one that collected yoghurt pots during a phantom pregnancy.
i used to have a female boxer dog
and she was so so sweet - but actually crazy. CRAZY. then she got shot.
Shot!
why???how??? :-(
she went on a sheep killing spree
with the neighbouring farms alsation. and the farmer has a legal right to shoot any dog that does that. even if he hadn't, she probably would have had to have been put down. :(
Aww
that's horrible. Poor boxer. :-(
yeah..... she was mental. MENTAL.
she used to chase my horse around the place and scare the crap out of her.
people
say it's like having a child to look after. But they're sooooo cute!
i dunno, she was quite easy.
only problem is she was a bit unhinged. but she was so so cute, and really friendly and playful. i think if they're trained properly they're fine, ours wasn't.
Did
she dribble lots? Apparently they flobby flob alot.
a teeny bit but no more so
than other dogs. she looked like this
http://www.kateconnick.com/postcards/boxer0605v.jpg
but was tiger striped. SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha
look at the teeth! Awww.
i know! mine used to do that.
god she was so cute. i want a boxer again.
ok
you get one and I'll babysit the cutey every so often. Woo!
i don't
like boxer dogs ....
do you like
my dog??
I like your dog!
everyone likes my dog
he's amazing....
.
there's a little rat like dog that I see running around on my way back to my car from work. I call it Rat Dog.
Marzipan is the Devil's knob-cheese.
okay, I need more coffee.
:)
You're making me think about doing rude things to the devil.
hahaha
you're going to hell you freak!
i sometimes see a dog
with some sort of growth on it's testical. Basically it's testical is about the size of a grapefruit and wobbles uncomfortably behind the dog. The dog itself is tiny, like 8 inches tall. I don't know the breed.
Not a funny dog story.
are you sure it's not riding
a dog space-hopper?
that is quite funny, tom
oh thank you, rose.
this is a sad story
you should take it to the vet - it probably has testicular cancer
he's always with his owner
and seems quite well looked after. His owner looks quite hard as well so I'm not really going to interfere.
Also I'm squeemish.
My
dad's dog is growing a huuuuge tumour on her back leg, he can't take her out in public places because people would point and puke. It's getting bigger, she'll be put down soon...as soon as she starts peeing sideways. :-(
when I was in Wales over Christmas
I saw two dogs playing frisbee. It was ace. Cats are better though.
how did they throw it?
or did they have an elaborate belt-driven throwing device?
well
their owner was helping out. But they were taking it in turns.
There's a man and a dog
and the man says
"where the shitting hell are we?"
the dog says
"woof, I'm a dog how the fuck should I know"
ah, talking dogs
this story is turning out to be great.
so the man kicks him and says
"stupid dog"
The End
My
favourite bit was the talking dog
agreed
it lost momentum after that
mine too.
Especially when he spoke to the man. Classic. I'll never forget that.
I didn't get it
:(
Fuckers
I had to abort the mission. I'll be back with it later. It's a good story.
I think the dog saved it.
Anyone
remember the bit where the dog was talking?
oh yeah!
I'd forgotten about that. Brilliant.
Hey guys!
Have I missed anything?
ONLY
A TALKING DOG!
talking dogs
you missed out BIG
only you not doing your essay!
go do your essay then, and only then, might we tell you an amazing story about
<SPOLIER WARNING>
A talking dog!
Spolier?
Is that a type of dog?
when it spoke to that man
I was in raptures. Amazing stuff.
I know!
I did NOT see that coming!
Just die will you
X
I think the Greek guy next door
thinks I'm crying. But I'm laughing!
this thread makes me lolalot!
I love marzipan.
It was my stop-smoking aid. When you have a craving, eat a small blob of the stuff. Works. But then i ran out marzipan and started smoking again.
why didn't you just buy more marzipan?
How much does it cost nowadays?
can you not get it on the NHS?
I'm afraid not.
And my village doesn't sell marzipan. Or much else, really. Fags and booze, and a rather choicy selection of chocolate bars.
Only in tablet form
I've been smoking for nearly 10 years now and I am still not addicted
how does one get addicted?
By revolving their lives around the cancer sticks
OR getting into habits. Habits are hard to break, and this is my problem. It feels wrong to come to college and not smoke, as it's all i've done in the place (bar a tiny bit of learning here and there), and in pubs, as i've been smoking since i started drinking.. I have no self-control/willpower.
what does this
have to do with talking dogs?
fuck off
Do you want to hear my story or not?
It involves HUGE abcesses (and I am not talking about Lesley Joseph's face either!!)
how many talking dogs are there?
if it's one or more then I'm in.
None.
There are none. But there are huge abcesses.
The entire story is ruined now though. I hope you're all happy. You humourless gits.
can you maybe introduce a talking dog into the story?
I think every story benefits from one.
Let's rewrite The Bible!
there's already a talking dog in the bible
you idiot!
wait
I'm thinking of something else
I don't believe you
That's a talking GOD you momo.
abcesses are cool
I guess.
Carry on?
Sorry I'm late
What happened? Something about a talking dog?
quiet
soup100 is about to tell us about a talking dog
Okay
So there's this man and a dog who shuffle up and down the Strand. The man is mad and smelly. The dog is old and brow beaten (do dogs have brows?).
On the side of the dog there sits a huge abcess which is the size of a football. It sticks out of his ribcage at (what my spacial gauging powers tell me) the exact diameter of these spherical playthings.
When I saw this man and his dog I was feeling depressed. I then proceeded to retch and probably sicked in my mouth a bit.
The dog said: <insert whatever it is you want the dog to say>
I fled to the river and saw a homeless (bag <-- not PC?) woman covered in shit. I retched and sicked in my mouth again. GOOD DAY HUH.
I think the dog said...
"Happy Birthday to Baby Jesus"
Well, he probably said:
The acid from vomit is back for your teeth you stupid woman! Just sick it out for fuck's sake! CUNT!
I don't like this story anymore
:-(
hello?
talking dog?
I'm all for talking dogs
You know that. But shouting, swearing dogs? Nuh-uh.
Grow a backbone YOU WORM
Oh, you already have.
I see. I'll go.
back for your teeth?
this time it's personal.
Yeah.
ha ha!
a talking dog!
'mazing.
And they say lightning never strikes twice...
I have the dog saying
'it's more volleyball sized, thank you very much'.
What did you have him saying, zxcvbnm and judge_B?
just "hello" or something I guess
Like that eh? 'MAZIN.
My personal favourite is when 16 year olds on those brat camp programmes claim to be addicted. MORE ADDICTIVE THAN HEROIN they say.
All blank and no blank makes blank a blank blank.
I love such programs.
Although i do wonder, if they don't work and refuse to attend school, yet have a £29837128 a day drug habit, who the hell gives them the money? Or are they all a bunch of bank robbers?
a man
was walking a dog on a path. And they were conversing! in English.
The End.
I've got LOADS more of these.
please don't stop now
these get better and better!
anyone remember that sausage advert
where the dog says 'Walls!'????
Classic.
Yes!
I loved that ad.
ha ha
imagine a dog that could say "walls"
ha ha
okay, I'm imagining.
Now what?
you say to him
'was that balls or walls?'
done that...
he says
"walls" again.
It's all he can say.
oh.
Where I went to uni
there used to be a man we called Man With a Dog in a Pram...self explanatory really. We used to see him all around.
I'll never forget one of my more headfuck hangovers...I wake up and reach for my can of fizzy ribena, take a biiiig mouthful and realise "eugh I must have put a fag out in that" so I run to the sink and spit it all out into the sink. I look down.
hundreds of ants!!!! I'd medicated a hangover with a mouthful of fucking ants...candyman-style, it was really harrowing. So I wash my mouth out and twitch the curtains to peer outside, gauge the weather etc. I peek across the busy main road.
Man With a Dog in a Pram is strolling down the opposite pavement, blank expression on his face with his dog stood perfectly still on a B&Q flatbed trolley that he's pulling behind him. This will stay with me to the grave.
what did the dog say?
It just looked me in the eye and said
"I am older than time itself"
ooh cryptic dog!
They're good. Like that old man in Gremlins.
it had the same
bony little pipe
no...not like that.
"Did you know B&Q stands for Big and Quiet?"
Dogs are full of incorrect trivia.
How do you know it doesn't?
Because once I went and it wasn't quiet
There was a forklift driver being mouthy.
Were you being mean about his forks?
A dog probably was
i've just remembered
i saw a dog mount a child in a pub beer garden* once.
The pub in question was the Royal Park in Leeds. The child was the landlords little girl.
It was the funniest thing ever.
* not so much a garden as a crappy yard
did they converse?
I don't know
I was watching through the window.
Well did the dog nod its head or anything?
or maybe gesture with its paws?
or maybe
nonchalantly stub out it's cigarette on the childs back?
I missed all the foreplay
we were playing pool and I heard a cheer.
is this
the worst conversation yet?
yes
yes it is. Now think of a new one.
I think there was one between Hitler and Goebbels which was worse
but give it a couple more posts and I think this will have overtaken it.
imagine that
"You know what I think we should do"
"I think so"
"What?"
"No you say it"
"No you go first"
that's the family guy conversation I swear..
wait
that's not funny at all is it!
Burn the paedophile!
me or the dog?
only I think the dog's probably dead. It never looked too well.
I've got a few years left I reckon.
I don't care which of you
All I know is a small girl's been mounted and someone has to PAY.
Did the dog buy her dinner?
Those dogs in the Royal Park are terrifying
The dog in the Brudenell Social Club is ace though. I once got it so excited it did a wee on the floor. The carpet is so saturated with dirt I don't think it made a lot of difference.
'once got it so excited'
Were you doing your special dance?
I used to walk a dog for an old friend
who got too old to do it. One day it refused to do its walk forwards and turned round. I thought it just wanted to go home, but no, it walked backwards for the whole walk. It was so bizarre. I got back and asked the old guy and he said oh he does that sometimes.
You have honestly never seen anything as odd as a dog walkign at full pace backwards.
:-D
I saw my dad rape my mum once
and it said...?
what about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUWd4j2T-RQ
Hahaha
That's so shit. My old dog did that.
THIS IS A FUNNY DOG
also, when it's chewing
watch it with the sound off and say something and pretend it's the dog talking. Improves the video by 141%.
It's face at the end just melted my ice sculpture
I have to watch it with the sound off
i did that
i'm in college, and there's no sound
i need to stop laughing so much, i'm in a library :(
LOLZ
That's actually amazing
ha ha
he winks as well
HAHA
the opening shot really sets the mood
dog...biscuits...dog....biscuits
Possibly best ever comments on a youtube thing too
Brilliant.
'thats disciplin and trust me that dog doesnt care that he didnt get the second one'
I'm literally crying
This is without doubt my favourite thread of all time.
Wow.
High standards.
I like that in a man.
Really?
You can go out with me if you like.
Go out where?
Cinema?
Oh.I can't go now.
I'm at work.
Sorry.
OK
Well if you don't get any better offers in your life, I'll be sat here waiting.
x
I'll bear it in mind.
Someone once told me it was always good to have a safety. I think they were actually talking about golf and what they really meant was it was good to have a tee you could trust but I am sure the same rule applies here.
Excellent!
yes!
second last one, lolzzz
Those were
all written by cats.
Please stop
I need to finish this essay by 12
...
http://www.cybersalt.org/cl_images/1zzzzya/cats/catgrin.jpg
Seriously
This is too much
nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXm6M8m0I-A&NR
I just cried some more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIB79nLOlkE&mode=related&search=
This claims to be a dog ACTUALLY speaking
That scared me
:(
It's horrific
I was crying with fear.
REAL FEAR.
This is scarier
but funnier at the same time.
:(
:)
:O
JAMES YOU DURRBRAIN
THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qff9V27Weaw&mode=related&search=
that's just funny
insane rambling cat.
this ones better though- MONTAGE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV6DQuEh4UQ&mode=related&search=
sounds like my girlfriend in tha sack
GREMLINS
I think this dog has gone TOO far.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br_BErpbihQ
Urm... NWS ALERT
oh, yes
it's a very BAD dog.
put down request
USEFUL dogs.
According to this website:
http://www.rateitall.com/i-726685-dogs-can-be-trained-to-detect-an-upcoming-epileptic-seizure.aspx
as you can guess from the link, dogs can be trained to detect an upcoming epileptic seizure. Whether or not they have the skillz to deal with it is another matter. I guess maybe a barking or jumping dog can calm the person down?! Anyone here know?
I live in Barking!
I'm not sure that would calm me down
If you could train it to sing Moon River I think that would work.
I'm no expert
but I might be able to get it play Moon River on the stereo while it calmly strokes your arm?
Certainly worth a try.
it's easy
you've just got to punish it whenever it does something that ISN'T singing moon river and reward it whenever it IS singing moon river.
SRSLY.
what is acceptable punishment?
I don't want to get into trouble with Lassie and all those other hard dogs.
just a small electric shock
or something. Nothing too sever, just enough to let it know that not singing moon river is wrong.
*severe
you knew what I meant
Okay.
Anyone know where I can buy a Tazer?
I could Tazer Towser.
no but I know where you can buy temporary electric fences
that you can arrange and move to your dogs' content...
How do I move them?
I take it, I can't touch it either.
You switch if off before YOU touch it, silly...
then switch it back on to keep the dog in. Simple.
we need to be able to punish the dog
(see above)
I suppose we could just push it into the electrified fence?
Would that be ok?
I don't condone actual physical violence
but certainly, isolation within an electric fence is ok (I guess that is mental abuse).
That is mental.
I always knew I was sinister and evil deep within
Sigh.
who are you?
his mum?
drinking buddy
i don't see you doing no drinking
get to it
at about 7pm I shall be plasterd with Meths
fact.
am I supposed to be there?
That could be interpreted in
one of two ways.
^ that was to
RK
I don't think I've got either of them.
Can I have a hint?
tazers are frowned upon in pet shops.
it leaves the staff with little time for helping customers, what with all the frowning.
the humane thing would be to kick it in the legs.
bloody pet shops
always think they know best.
they're not the boss of us!
*unless anyone works for a petshop?
I don't
so I can say what I like about pet shops.
I'm not sure if I do or not
I've been here 6 years so it's probably too late to ask.
can you see any pets?
i think a cattle prod
would be more appropriate. But a smaller one OBV.
you mean
like one of those things you use to light gas cookers with?
that should do it
I might write a book.
please do.
okay
wait there.
can I help?
I can write too.
can you write books though?
um...
this is like writing a book isn't it?
I thought someone was compiling these posts into a book anyway?
really?
I'll just sit on my hands an wait for it to happen. Do I need to tell someone where to send the money?
I think you posted your account details once
so that should all be sorted.
I think it was that Swedish chap.
Antschool or whatever.
(I think it might be a con though! SHHH DON'T TELL ANTSHCOPL:?)
My word,
whatever has happened here?
(waits patiently)
what are you waiting for down here?
dogot?
did that work
"Waiting for Dogot" ???
if it did work I've ruined it now.
it was such a good effort as well
a good tazering?
knowing Rose, probably