(i think, by the sex alley!)

and I managed to see a tramp race.

Basically some guys had managed to convince a load of tramps to have a race up the road, to win a bottle of spirits or suchlike.

so, they did.

what was the icing on the cake was the hordes of prostitutes that were hanging out the windows above the street, egging them on.

:S

"BUY, BUY, BUY...BIG ISSUE!!"

a tramp asked if i had money so he could go buy some food.
i said i had nothing to spare.
about 5-10 minutes later and my friend hadn't showed up yet, and the tramp came shuffling back with a cornish pasty, and asked if i wanted a bite.
i patted my stomach and said i was full.

but once in the leciester charlotte i saw 2 homeless going at it across the road in some archway thing.
the whole thing lasted about 2 mins tops and afterwards when she dismounted him i saw his flaccid wet willy flop out of her and slap back on his stomach.

Today on the way to work I saw what looked like a tramp wearing a pair of huge clown shoes, shuffling back and forth along a metre-long area of pavement.

with my brother and as we got of the night bus there was a tramp masturbating furiously on a wall. I mean with vigour.

so I would often see Mad John, (veritable southfields celebrity who has a huge beard and likes to shout at lot).

One day he insisted on holding my hand while he told me his life story, apparently his heart was broken and that's why he's an alcoholic. His hand was sticky. When he told the same story to my friend he pissed himself and carried on talking.

with a homeless Latvian man in Trafalgar Sq. From 2am to 6am. I'd definitely recommend it.

and a tramp in Australia.

His name is Tommo and he seems to find this tramp immensely funny.

I was coming back from work and was in Bank station. I walk from the central line to the district line, which you may or may not know is a fuck of a long way in that station.

Anyway, I was shuffling along, minding my own business and staring at the floor (as you often do) when I heard the familiar words 'Spare some change please? Spare some change?' somewhere on the horizon to my left. Clearly, I thought nothing of this until it became apparent that people were shifting away from its general vicinity to the point of literally walking into one another. This then woke me up and I had to have a look at quite what made this tramp so special that people were prepared to trip over one another to evade him. I kind of wish I hadn't.

The man's attire was fairly normal - a pair of adidas trousers and some generic top. He was also wearing a baseball cap. But what had made people so uneasy was his face - or, rather, lack of face. This bloke had been burned to buggery and I'd never seen anyone look that disfigured before. For the few seconds I looked at him, it seemed as if he was missing each and every one of his features. His ears had been burned off, I don't recall him having a nose, his lips were bright red and parts of his face were blackened. Basically, he looked rather scary.

Anyway, a few weeks later, I walked through the same station and there he was again, walking through it. It caught me by a lot of surprise and it must have shown because he flashed me a demonic grin.

I've often wondered since how he got so horrifically burned. Others have seen him too and theories include the result of an accident whilst in the army and (rather unlikely) the result of a skin disease (a skin disease where you get burned, yeah, course.) Has anyone else seen this guy?

his trick was to go up to you and shake your hand, and then ask for "some coins". i think i gave him a quid the first time i saw him, then saw him a few weeks later spending his takings on the fruit machine in the Woodville.

but a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and fell asleep on Brighton Beach recently, and when he woke up, he was being sucked off by a tramp.

bin bags open in a shared house I used to live in. We'd put them out for the bin men in the evening and by the next morning they'd be in pieces. My mate who had the bedroom closest to the front door thought he'd pop a few air pistol caps in the ass of the animal assailant to scare them off. First time he disturbed them he was too late by the time he got to the front door. Second time, he opened the front door and just aimed randomly. Think he caught the tramp in the leg. He's never admitted if he actually realised it was Tramp or if did and just shot them anyway... Suffice to say the tramp limped off rather unhappily.

my drunken logical told me that it would be better for him to be in a nightclub, than sat outside in the cold street (it was winter). Once inside I bought him an aftershock, he didn't look that impressed with my choice of drink. When I sobered up I realised that giving him money to get a hostel may have been better :-/

So we had loads of tramps around all the time.

My faves include:

A man demanding a pound. When I asked him why I should give him a pound he said, completely heartfelt, "Because John Leslie raped me"

Guy comes up to me outside the kebab shop (which is now a furniture shop, gentrification FTW) and asks for some money as he's starving. I said I had none because I'd just bought a kebab. But since he was starving I proffered my donner to him. "I'm a vegetarian" was his indignant reply, proving beggars can be choosers.

A lady tramp pissing by the phone box by the Angel pub next to the Church. The piss was streaming into the street and as people walked past she said "Quick or it's gonna catch ya!"

A man stood in the middle of Oxford Street with the back of his trousers ripped up, shitting all down his leg and onto the pavement

a tramp jumped in front of us and shouted something nonsensical in our faces

so i grabbed his arms and shouted exactly the same thing back in his face and he nearly fell over stunned.

girl I know pissed on the pavement in Soho. Bizarrely, she wasn't the tramp. In fact, a Big Issue seller was on hand and said 'Big Issue? Looks like you need a big tissue, love.'

There used to be a guy in Camden with a great big scar on the back of his head (towards his neck) and he'd go 'Have you seen my scar? (points) Have you got any spare change?'

man sways on the spot for a good minute, looks barely conscious.

suddenly stands bolt upright, eyes wide open, completely alert and shouts "I FEEL A SONG COMING ON!"

then proceeds to emit noises from his mouth to put a cat's chorus to shame.

that didn't kill the moment though.

god, where do i start?
a one-time boyfriend of mine became homeless, so essentially i was going out with a tramp for some time (he slept rough, lied, stole, cheated, tried to kill himself in church and eventually wound up at her majesty's pleasure)
Irish Geoff, world famous Hinckley tramp has accused me of starting the war whilst he wore a very fetching straw hat - this man has been pissed as a fart since 1979
There are ALWAYS tramps sat next to the cash machines in leicester at night, and ask you for change, and the temptation to tell them that it only dispenses cash is quite overwhelming at times..